A Letter From My Body To Myself (TW: Eating Disorder)

By Char Shields - March 29, 2019

In contemplation group you were told to write a letter from yourself to your body (and vice versa.) And my God, you were really horrible to yourself. You called yourself fat, ugly and worthless. Repeatedly, you told yourself to stop eating and that you would have to die if you didn't lose weight. So today, I, your body, am going to write a letter back to you.

I'll start of by saying that I understand you were in a really bad place when you said all those things to me. And I would forgive you but you tell me these things daily, even when you're faking one of your "positive" episodes. It has to stop. You wouldn't say these things to anyone else: you wouldn't say them to your mother, your sister, your brother, your friends, or even some random person on the internet. So why are you saying them to your body? It's bullying. Be kind, stop verbally abusing me.

When you follow through with these threats of starvation, I feel exhausted. You're a very busy person - what with university, writing, working out and multiple appointments and therapy sessions a week. By not feeding me, you're not giving me the energy I need to keep you going. And when I rumble or when I make the room spin: I'm telling you that I need feeding. Listen to me.

Don't get mad at me for wanting exactly what you need. I'm not trying to stifle you, I want you to have all of the wonderful nutrients that food provides. Eat three meals a day, don't leave food behind for the sake of "not looking greedy", enjoy your fruits and vegetables. I promise that we'll feel so much better when you do.

Equally, don't feel guilty or angry when you do slip up. When you do end up forcing food into me, please don't purge. You're hurting me and putting me in very real danger. I promise you that one day isn't going to affect you, but you let it by giving in. You let this one day determine weeks, sometimes even months. And yes I gain weight quickly, because I'm scared you're going to starve me again. I have to hold on to whatever I get.

Just please, when I'm sending you warning signals: it's time to stop exercising. It's time to stop binging and purging and whatever else you do to hurt me. I'm trying my best to look after you, but you're making it very difficult.

And I know what you're going to say: you're making life Goddamn difficult and I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make things difficult but I'm sick. Your brain is sick and, despite what you believe, it's not out to get you. It has a chemical imbalance and together, we've all been through a lot of trauma and unfortunately your eating disorder is how you've learnt to cope with it all. But you don't need it to cope anymore.

You are surrounded by people who want to help you. Listen to what the professionals say: they know what they're doing and you know that what they say makes sense. But also, work with us here. We want to get better but we need your help, it really is up to you.

Lastly, stop focusing so much on trying to lose weight. Stop panicking about how Summer is coming up or this big party is only in two weeks. And stop worrying about what people think of you. Those who matter love you no matter what your size, it's you that doesn't love you. Which I think is crazy: I am literally giving you life everyday, producing new cells everyday, fighting off nasty viruses everyday. How the hell could you not love me?! You should be up my arse, worshipping me. But you're not so if you can take anything from this letter then please just take this:

Stop focusing on losing weight and start focusing on getting better.

Ironically, if you're putting all your focus on weight loss, then you're never going to lose it. Let's aim to get better, we can worry about getting back to a healthy weight later on.

Please just listen to me for once, I know what's best for you.

Love,
Your Body.

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