My Mental Illness Has Taken Over Me

By Char Shields - January 24, 2018

Socialising, getting out of bed in the morning, going to uni - these are just a few things that should be easy, but become so difficult when you have a mental illness.

I wish I could put into words just how awful it feels, but it's impossible. Without trying to sound too cliche, you really don't know how it feels until you experience it yourself. And I would never wish that upon anyone.

Things could be going seemingly well. You have good friends, a job, you're exercising and your grades are up. But then suddenly, something just snaps inside of you. As if, trying to be a normal functioning human was just too much work. The doctors ask why you are feeling bad again, what's caused you to feel bad again but that's just it: you don't know. There is no reason. It was just always there at the back of your mind, ready to explode and take down everything you love and enjoy with you. There's no reason for it.

I don't feel depressed, I am depressed. And sometimes, I feel like things would be a lot easier if people treated it as it is: an illness, not a feeling.

I can't make it go away. There's no getting up one day and pushing it to the side. You can't just decide to wake up and start acting like a normal, healthy human being would. People seem to think you can control how you act and what you feel, but you can't. Your brain controls everything, it has completely taken over you. You are nothing but a prisoner in your own torturous illness and nobody will ever understand that. You've just got to get on with it.

But that's the thing: I can't just get on with it.

Every time I try, like really try, I just fall back down again. And it happens every goddamn day.

I get up at a decent time, ignore the feelings of wanting to throw myself of the goddamn bridge, eat breakfast, ignore the feelings of wanting to cut open my own skin, exercise, ignore the feelings of wanting to binge eat, do uni work and then at some point, my brain screams at me to just give up, "you're not fooling anybody" it tells me, so I do. I give up and I go back to bed.

I fall back into bad habits I thought I would be rid of once I became an adult. I stay awake all night, sleep all day, miss deadlines, avoid friends, search the "thinspo" tag on tumblr, pick out every single thing that is wrong with me, contemplate if any of this is really worth it.

No amount of pills I shove down my throat, doctors and psychiatrists appointments I force myself to attend or the uncomfortable, skin-picking support groups and therapy sessions will ever make a difference. None of this is making a difference.

A friend told me that they don't help, that you have to make things happen for yourself, as if I haven't already tried everything in the book.

I have no will to try left in me. I was a fool to think that I could beat this.

Tell me that I'm wrong, if you think you know me better than I know me.

Until the next time,

An Angry Person Who Has Been Taken Over By Her Mind.

Disclaimer: If you're feeling depressed, suicidal, overwhelmed etc then please seek help, go to your GP or someone in your school, college or university and they can help point you in the right direction. This post was just a sudden outburst of thoughts and how I've been feeling. As much as I don't feel like things are really working right now, I can see that all the professionals involved really do care and are trying to make things better for me, even if I'm not always the most co-operative person.

If you feel like you are unable to keep yourself safe right now then there are numbers you can call.

UK Suicide Prevention Helpline: 116 123

Or even drop me a message. Who knows, maybe we can beat this thing together.

Stay safe.

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