Feeling Alone

By Char Shields - August 05, 2017

I have felt alone for a very long time, even in a room full of crowded people or when I'm in a group of friends. I have never really felt like I fitted in.

I thought I was alone in feeling like this, until I watched a video by youtuber, Evan Edinger, about feeling alone and it really spoke to me. He really inspired me to write this post about how I feel because it's something that I don't talk about. Like him, I feel alone and I feel like I don't really fit in with people, like I'm just tagging along all the time.

Through most of my years at school, I wasn't the best at making or keeping friends but I didn't always have a huge struggle. I was always unpopular, but I always managed to have some friends at least. Secondary school was when it got really bad. Everyone was obsessed with popularity and looking good as if we were in some American high school TV programme, and I just didn't make the cut. And if you don't make the cut in school, your life becomes a living hell. I had my own friendship group for a while and I did have some good times with them, but I never felt like I was accepted.

When I started getting depressed (or at least started showing signs I was), I watched everyone turn their backs on me. By year 11, I sat on my own at lunchtimes.

When I left school and started college, I thought things would get better, and they did for a while. But then the natural order of things settled in: I could not fit in. I felt like a liability, as if I was just in the way.

I dropped out and came back the following year, and I did end up making a few friends who I still rely on today. But internally, things didn't change. I was just seen as the lazy one who skived a lot and couldn't be bothered, when in reality I just couldn't deal with the way I was feeling. I would still sit alone during my free periods because I had no friends to hang out with. People were nice to me, but that doesn't mean that they could actually be bothered with me.

I have always been the one who naturally gets left out. If there's two of us, it's fine, but add someone else to the equation and I'm pushed to the side. If there's three of us, I'm always the one who's walking behind, trying hard to catch up and be a part of the conversation. It's getting to the point where I feel so anxious that I don't even want to try anymore, which doesn't help me gain friends. It's just a vicious cycle.

I thought things would change when I started university. Everyone makes friends at uni, right?

Well, I did meet some nice people and even had my own small friendship group for a while and we would occasionally do things. But before long, the natural order of things settled in again.

I started getting left out by people who I thought were my friends. They stopped inviting me out and I would find out through Snapchat and it would make me feel so down and upset. I would try and hold it together and be nice because I felt so desperate for them to like me. I felt like it was all my fault that no one wanted to be around me. I try not to hold a grudge, but I don't think they know how much they truly hurt me.

I spent most of my first year at uni just hopping between friendship groups, but never really fitting in or belonging. I felt like an annoying extra add-on who was just intruding on other people's groups. I would stay in most nights by myself, just listening to my flatmate and his friends being loud in the kitchen and making a mess. I wanted to escape, to have some friends of my own but it just wasn't happening. And I'm scared that the fear of not being accepted and being left out is becoming too much now.

Towards the end of the year, I did meet some really nice people who I felt like I was starting to connect with, so there is hope for when I do return to Bristol.

Despite everything, I am somewhat optimistic for the future. But, as it is, I spend most of my days alone, I don't get enough hours at work to keep me busy and I sit alone most nights, just trying to distract myself from the pain of loneliness until my boyfriend finishes work so I at least have someone to talk to.

I can feel everyone getting sick of me. I can only hope that one day, I will belong and that things will get better.

Watching Evan's video and reading the comments made me feel a bit better. That even though I am alone, I'm not alone in the situation. In writing this, I hope to reach to other people who are feeling the same way. That even though they may feel lonely, they are not truly alone. And things have to get better someday.

We will get there. Stay strong.


Until the next time,

Char.


The video that inspired this post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbQCt51832E&t=204s 

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